Oh, Life.

I went home this past weekend, and the drive to Wentzville I think is where it started.
I sank slowly into this deep pit of sadness and anxiety, and I haven't gotten out yet. I think there might be several factors influencing this mild depressive state. Going home is now sad for me, because I know it will be short-lived. I have a time limit to spend with my family. The idea depresses me. I love my family more than any other body of people in the entire world, and home has always been my place of refuge, where I can go when I don't want to be anywhere else in the world.
That's factor number one. Factor two is that it's almost November, and I hate winter and my moods sink as the temperature drops. Good thing winter isn't the longest season of all. *cough cough*
The third factor is actually the reason I went home, for the going-away party of one of my best friends. Paul is going to be gone for 7 months in Air Force basic training, and the idea of not having Paul around is completely foreign to me.
Which leads to the fourth factor: life. A year ago, I was surrounded by my best friends every week at youth group and church, and I could go home to my wonderful family every night where I could just relax and have not a care in the world. Life is completely different now, in just such a short time. College was nothing but an impending doom in my mind - I chose to ignore it and pretend like I could sit and be comfortable at home for the rest of my life, while knowing this wasn't the case. I really do like it here at Truman, but going home is now a special treat. I don't come home every night and sit in front of the tv, cuddling with my mom, or eat her cooking; I don't get to talk to my dad whenever I want to and listen to his wise advice. When I want to be by myself, I can't drive somewhere to go shopping, or grab coffee from Starbucks, or take a walk into one of the empty fields in my neighborhood to just meditate and be with God. I hate being used to these luxuries, because it makes me sad when I don't have them. It just boggles me how different my life was a year ago. We get so settled in somewhere with a certain group of people, and we can't seem to fathom that it won't be that way forever. I have to grow up and move out, break from my parent's support, be independent in this world that will eat me alive if I let it. I have to look back every year and say, "wow, life has changed."
So why don't I get it yet? I feel so overwhelmed knowing that things will never be the same, so I choose not to think about it. I think that's why we coined the phrase "live for today," because if you think about anything other than today, it makes your head spin. Mine does, at least. It makes me sink into what I hope and pray is only a temporary dismal state.
Hopefully in my next post I'll be back to normal, happy me. :)