It's the end of the year.

 The world is good at screwing us up.
Sometimes this doesn't show so readily; it isn't always obvious. The desire to fit in can make us do crazy things. My roommate is a great example.
I don't know what it is about her, but she is a wonderful girl hidden under layers of false perfection. When you meet her, she is very put together, very quiet and difficult to read. For the first few months she barely spoke to us, and I had no idea what she was like. Living with someone changes that. It took a long time, but she opened up. Out of my three roommates, I liked her the most, but I have no idea why. Her true self was revealed to us in the form of a self-absorbed, broken monster of a girl. She hides under layers of makeup and shines her desk light into our faces and leaves dirty clothes in the middle of the bathroom and always turns the conversation back to her problems and slams the door next to my sleeping head and her mess in the closet spills over my OCD-organized clothes and she talks as though no one is trying to get some sleep.
Shouldn't this indicate a person wrapped up in only herself? Yes. But-
All I see is brokenness, and a self-esteem so low that it makes her unconscious of the human beings around her. She criticizes herself but receives no reassurance. She thinks she is shallow, boring, and ugly. She tries to fit in so vigorously that most people believe it. I don't believe it. I did when I first met her, but now I know differently. I should despise her for being the careless, vain person that she can be, but all I see when I look at her is a girl bruised and beaten by a world that has lured her in with its lies. Despite her self-absorbed, walled in little world, when I see her hurting I want to cradle her in my arms and whisper sweet words. I want to tell her that she is beautiful. She doesn't have to hide. She doesn't have to obsess over boys that don't even come close to deserving her. She's worth so much more than what she tells herself. There is a God who gave his life to be close to her.
How I wish she knew all of this, and believed it.
I don't know what it is that makes me see something deeper in this girl. She's so much more than what she appears to be. I know shallowness; she is anything but. I feel weird for ranting on about my roommate like I'm obsessed or something. I guess my point is that the world sucks, and yet it manages to trap us.

Anyway, it's almost the end of my first year, and that's all I have to say about my roommate experience. I have nothing to say about the other two, except that I'm glad I only have to live with them for another week and-a-half.

Summer is so close I can almost taste it! Hurray!

A glimpse into the week.

Some experiences shouldn't be crammed into a word document. They should simply be remembered and reflected on for the rest of your life.
CCF Spring Break 2012 in Colcord, Oklahoma was an event that I'm even hesitant to even blog about, because I'm afraid I'll only remember what I write down. In essence, it was incredible. I wasn't going to go; nothing sounded better than spending the week at home, and I didn't even want to consider being in a different state when I could be relaxing with my family and relieving my home-sickness. However, a couple of weeks before spring break, I felt the sudden urge to go on the trip. It was strange because my mind was already made up. It felt like a temporary lapse of sanity, but the moment it washed over me, I had no regrets. I knew I had to do it. In the weeks that followed, I didn't even think twice about the fact that I wasn't going home... It felt right.
I will write about only one story from the spring break trip, because it touched my heart the deepest. In addition to the 178 Truman students that attended the trip, some of the staff brought their families along. One of the staff members, Derrick Rohr, brought his wife and two children, both under the age of four. His son, Jude, is around two years-old, with big beautiful eyes and a head of curly blonde hair. While we ate lunch on Thursday in the cafeteria, Jude's grandmother came in and announced in a panicked voice that Jude was missing. Everyone immediately set their food down and got up to search for him. I sat frozen, and my mind went straight to the river that ran through the camp. Heart pounding, I stood up and walked to the window. I watched people walk back and forth along the bank, looking into the waters that might have taken this little boy away, and I felt sick. Tearing my eyes away from the water, I looked over toward the grass and saw an image that will forever be burned into my memory. Derrick had collapsed on the ground, holding his head and rocking back and forth. The terror and agony was evident, although I could not hear what he cried out. His little boy was lost, and possibly in danger. I began to cry, and I couldn't take my eyes off of him.
The wheels turned in my head - is this a glimpse of the Lord's agony when one of His children is lost? He would leave 99 behind to go after the one little sheep who has wandered off. If this man was experiencing the pain of a father whose son is missing, how much more does our Heavenly Father care about His missing children?
Jude was found not five minutes later, hiding behind one of the cafeteria doors, and all was well. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief, but I'm sure that Derrick will not soon forget the feeling of anguish that consumed him when he thought Jude was gone.
The Lord knows where we are, but He still comes after us. Isn't that just mind-blowing? The God of the universe cares about every child, and would leave everything behind just to have us in His pastures. It gives me peace. I am prone to wander, but God will never let me go. When I am lost, He will find me and bring me safely back home.

     "Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, 'Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.'" -Luke 15:4-6

Winter can just go die.

I'm sitting here in my dorm room, completely bored with a million things I should be doing, and instead I'm making a summer bucket list. I'm literally sick wishing for summer right now. It's making my stomach flip-floppy just thinking of everything I'm going to do.
I've decided that life is short, and this summer I want to have as much stinking fun as humanly possible.

Here's a tentative list:
1. Go movie hopping
2. Take 1000 pictures
3. Have a photo shoot with friends
4. Go to a concert(s)
5. Write letters
6. Read a crap ton of books!
7. Lead a Bible study - afterwards, go out and share what we learned with strangers.
8. Grow my hair out, and maybe dye it.
9. Go fruit picking
10. Dig deep into Busch Wildlife. There are lots of cool places I haven't been.
11. Make a list of random acts of kindness
12. Learn how to do a cartwheel
13. Paint my bathroom
14. Make a music video
15. Make a summer 2012 scrapbook at the end!

Lessons in Life

I feel under attack. It's not the first time in my life I've felt this way, by any means - throughout my 19 years, I have had numerous people weaken my defenses with the nasty things they say or do, and I've always wished I were the kind of person who can brush it off and say "I don't care what you think about me... I am who I am."
I wish I could smile in the face of hatred and ridicule, but I am weak. I care too much. I want so desperately to be a Christ-like figure that when I trip up in public, my heart can hardly stand it.
Even christians can't be perfect; I understand that, but I can't seem to accept it from myself.

This weekend, the devil used me to attack a girl's insecurities. I am upset, angry, and furious with the sin that traps my weak, human body. He then took my anger and created a huge mess, but as usual, God is working everything out for the good. I am fighting with my roommate, but He is opening my eyes to the true meaning of loving your enemies and praying for those who persecute you. I have never been so angry with someone, and only He can calm my spirit and turn that anger into overflowing love. I need to be persistent in prayer, and trust that He will turn my heart around. He has a lot of work to do in my life, that's for sure...

Despite all the recent events, I haven't been this happy since I was riding five horses every day at Griffin Farms four years ago.
God is with me, and He is good to me. He has blessed me with a beautiful, opportunistic life completed by a desire to serve Him. He is molding me every day, and sometimes I have to learn the hard way, but it's worth the lessons. :)

Overcome

This semester I'm taking my first class toward my minor, Religion and Philosophy.
The class I'm taking is Writing Enhanced Philosophy and Literature, and so far I'm loving it! My teacher is funny and kooky, and you can tell she loves what she does. The concept of God has already been brought up in class a few times, and I've always heard that some teachers will openly deny their belief and paint the lectures with a bias toward atheism, or whatever their worldview is.
This woman, however, from what I can sense, has been teaching from a completely objective standpoint of the belief in God and creationism. I can tell she has a very open mind and deep appreciation for all religions, although she herself may not be religious.
Anyway!
Today in lecture, we read a couple of John Donne's poems. He was a known Christian, and as we discussed the poems, God entered the discussion. We were asked to name characteristics of the Christian God, and of course all the "omni" words were mentioned: omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, and aside from those, all-loving. Ms. Alexander (my teacher) briefly mentioned some arguments against these theistic beliefs, and one argument was particulary thought-provoking.
I've heard the argument that if there is a God, He cannot be all-loving because there is great evil in the world.
There is a terrifying amount of evil in the hearts of humankind.
How could a perfect God create a world where rape, murder, abuse, starvation, imperfection, hatred, and war run rampant? Why would this be a part of the human nature if God loves us so much?

My mind has been plagued by this question.
It doesn't make any sense at all...

But then,
you observe love.
Without hunger, we don't realize the need for food.
Without the bitter cold, we don't realize the need for warmth.
Without war, we don't realize the need for peace...

and without evil, we don't realize our need for a Savior.

Why do we need evil to realize this?
God wants to overcome it with us - true love would have no meaning without it. In a "perfect" world where everyone has a pre-programmed robotic love for God, there is no purpose.
Evil exists to overcome evil.
Evil is the absence of love.
We must fall before we can rise.

I acknowledge that there are many, many unanswered questions. I can't even give a concrete answer, just some thoughts spurred by people much wiser than myself. I do however understand that there are things beyond my comprehension, beyond mankind's comprehension. It's an uncomfortable thought for everyone.
We seem to have this need to be able to tangibly understand and micromanage every aspect of life.
It's so much simpler than that.
God loves you, and because of this, He overcame evil with the greatest love the world has ever known.
He only asks for your heart in return.



"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."
-Romans 12:21

Get Out and Grow Up

Growing up is hard, and yet there's no other feeling in the world that can compare to it.
I'm home for winter break, finished with my first semester of college, and for the past couple of days all I've been doing is sitting back and reflecting on life, and what it means to grow up. Today, after church, one of my friends came over to say hey, and during the conversation he caught me off guard; "You seem different," he commented. I laughed a little, smiled and asked him, "How?"
"I don't know, you just have a different energy. You seem in a more 'sit back and contemplate the world' type mood." It was put roughly, but I've been thinking about it all day and it's struck me how right he is, and what exactly that means.
My life is shifting. It's not only because of college, but I just feel myself drifting away from people I once adored, my attitude toward the world, and just how exactly I define myself.
Life is so incredibly dynamic, and I love it.
All of this change is so good - it's an opportunity to turn the page, to purge myself from the things that bothered me, to get away from the people I couldn't stand, to learn how to survive without my parents, to let Jesus take me and cultivate me into the servant He intends for me to be, to start living without the help of other people.
I read a quote that said "Life starts outside of your comfort zone." Amen to that! I've been kicked out of my comfort zone, and I love it! Bring it on, life!

“I have cared for you since you were born. Yes, I carried you before you were born. I will be your God throughout your lifetime – until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you.” -Isaiah 46:3-4

Evolution Convolution

Evolution.
Quite a concept. In my biology class, I am taking my first class ever in which the teacher is an explicit believer in the process of evolution. My entire life I've been in private Christian school, but I was lucky enough to have open-minded teachers in high school that recognized the importance of understanding evolution. After all, how can you defend your belief in Creationism if you don't understand other worldviews?

From what I’ve said, you might think I am against evolution – I'm not at all, actually. There are two kinds of evolution - micro and macro. Micro is, as it suggests, small, and happens within a population. For example - in a specific environment, such as the rainforest, butterflies might benefit more from having a brown color instead of bright yellow. If a random mutation occurs within a butterfly's gene that makes him oddly browner and thus more hidden to predators, he is more likely to survive and reproduce. Over time that species may become more and more brown until they are visually unrecognizable from the original butterfly. It helps the species to survive! If species' environment changes and they cannot adapt to it, they will most likely die out. There is really no denying this type of evolution – it can be directly observed all around us!
Macroevolution is, as it suggests, large; it involves speciation, or the change from one species to completely new species, such as apes evolving into human beings and fish evolving into land-dwelling reptiles.

I do believe wholeheartedly in the validity of microevolution. The adaptation of species is undeniable - finches on the Galapagos Islands were found with wide, thick beaks, unlike the conventional small beaks of finches used to eat small seeds. The Galapagos Island finches had evolved and adapted to be able to crack the hard shells of the seeds found on the Islands, aiding  their survival in those conditions. Another example is bacteria evolving resistance to antibiotics, or snakes evolving resistance to their prey’s toxic skin secretions. The list goes on. Species have to have the ability to adapt and change, because Earth’s environment is incredibly dynamic.

In none of the examples of microevolution that I gave is a species observed changing into a completely different species. A finch is still a finch; E. Coli is still E. Coli. I do not believe in the validity of macroevolution.
In my biology class, I've noticed that my teacher lumps micro and macro together without saying so. In lab, we are growing E. Coli bacteria in a dish full of antibiotics, and observing how the bacteria that have a random immunity to the antibiotic are the ones that live, producing many bacteria that are immune. Sounds like microevolution, right?
What I cannot comprehend is why all this support for microevolution constitutes as support for macroevolution. My biggest problem with macro: If macroevolution were to be supported, there would be thousands of fossils to support it; fossils from millions of years of macroevolution. So, where are all the fossils?
Scientists would consider my statement on the lack of fossil evidence to be a "misconception" - that there are transitional fossils that have been found. An example is the fossil Tiktaalik, a fish-like creature with hind legs. They consider this to be the missing link between fish and land-dwelling animals.
I don’t believe that one transitional fossil for each gap supports the theory. If we found thousands of these fossils with the progressive growth of legs, then there would be something to consider! I had a very intelligent atheist friend explain that the reason for the lack of fossils is because it takes very specific conditions to form fossils, so they don’t occur very often. However, considering the vastness of the macroevolution claim, there would still be many fossils showing the distinct evolution of species. Think of how many fossils you find just by sifting through rocks in your backyard! Out of the entire earth, there must be plenty of places that would form fossils. However, the fossil record is still under progress. If you think about it, we really haven't dug very deep into Earth at all. Who knows what we'll find?

Taking Biology in college has opened up my eyes to a huge issue. Before, I always stuck with the traditional Christian rejection of evolution because I didn’t really know what evolution was – it’s not apes evolving into humans, or life arising from prehistoric mud; it does happen, and it is crucial to the survival of living organisms. If we couldn’t adapt to our ever-changing climates, we wouldn’t be alive much longer!

Just my thoughts for the week. :)

"So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. God blessed them and said to them, 'Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth, and subdue it...'"
-Genesis 1:27-28